As a young mom of only 6-years, I feel completely unmatched to write a post about why it is indeed a challenge being a mom. With my three boys I can quickly come up with the scenarios that make my pudding-fingered printed hairs on the back of my neck cringe.
Indeed, I am a rookie at this mom of boys gig. But I wouldn’t change it for a second.
My toughest moment as a mom hit me while I felt like I had lost everything that defined me as a good mother. I was not doing the laundry. I barely prepared a single meal. Bath time had one rule – be gentle with Mommy’s patience.
I was battling brain cancer. I knew I was a mom but sure felt like I was losing my life, my family and my kids. I struggled so hard to spend time with my boys, through the nauseation, struggling for energy, screaming inside in pain and cringing from their laughter that sent migraines at a never ending pace. But I loved my boys. That’s what a mom does – we love our children not through perfect actions demonstrated by us or recieving the most fulfilling affections in return from our kids. No – we love because as moms God has filled our hearts with a passionate, relentless love for our kids – His children.
At the end of one of my “rough” days, I actually wrote a blog post that, frankly, amazes me to this day. It was Gods attempt at my lowest point to simply breathe His life into my exhausted mind, body and soul. He used our oldest child to remind me that I still mattered, even if I truly felt like I was nothing. I see Gods fingerprints all over this encounter much clearer now.
Friends, God never called us to be the perfect mother. He called us to love our children through our growing love for the only Perfect Abba Father. Gain courage and strength from Him today.
…My day today was…and still is, rough. My stomach literally HURTS. Sprite wouldn’t even stay down today and my amazing husband ran to Walgreens at 8:30 tonight to grab some Gatorade. I went from feeling really good last night to, well, back to my “normal.” BUT it was a nice break! I was up early with the kids, watched the boys so Steve could go to worship practice, my eyebrows fell out (seriously…Josh was picking up hairs off my pillow trying to put them back on my eyes…kinda cute but kinda not), my stomach hurt, I was exhausted…and patience was not present with me or the kids today. It was just one of those days…I know you have them too!
So tonight when Josh begged me to put him to bed, of course I agreed. I knew I snapped a few times today and although everything in my body was telling me to stay right where I was lying, I got up and prepared for our nightly routine. Both boys brush their teeth, both boys get Jammie’s on and both boys join me on Josh’s bed to watch a Looney Toons video on my iPad. The boys LOVE this…and they aren’t on tv anymore. Tonight as they were watching Tweedy run for his “little life” I glanced over and saw Josh lying down with his arm cuddling Caden…both boys were smiling. It was one of those moments that you want to grab a camera, but you know you’ll miss the shot. The boys LOVE this special time with mommy…oh and mommy really likes this time too!
Caden is reluctantly escorted by daddy into his room to be put to bed. Josh and I lie in his bed together and read a book, then we pray together, then we make up a short story (this story involves Josh picking up some friends and taking any mode of transportation to a fun place and then returning all of his friends IN ORDER back home). Josh gets the order right…I really don’t try anymore. Then I lay with him and eventually him and I both end up asleep. I usually hear the coffee maker going, which wakes me up and tells me it’s 9PM (Steves nightly coffee time).
But tonight we made it to that part where we drift off to sleep…I was halfway there, but Josh hadn’t even started. I heard him talking, but I really wasn’t listening. Finally he asked, “Mommy, are you STILL sick?” Oh I HATE that question. I understand why he asks, but I hate answering it. I sighed and said “Yes buddy, but the doctors are working hard to make mommy all better again.” He knew the drill and he knew the answer. Usually that did it, but not tonight. He rolled back over and asked, “Mommy, are you scared?” Okay…you moms out there no EXACTLY how I felt at that very second…but how was I going to answer my 4 year-old son, who really doesn’t understand the complexity of what’s going on.
I didn’t know how to answer and I didn’t need to…God did.
No sooner had I been thinking of what to say, Josh chimed in, “Mommy, why don’t you sing your song to me anymore?” MY song could be anything from Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to The Wheels On The Bus. There for a few short months MY song according to Josh was, “Baby Baby Baby Oh”….ummmm, no.
“Which one?” I asked him.
Josh sighed, “Mommy, you know! the song you sang to me when I was little. I would close my eyes like this and you holded me and rocked me night night.”
He remembered our song! I was dreaming of this day when I started that the day he was born. That first night in the hospital, when it was just him and me, I held him and I sang our song. You know it…and I think you will know why I decided to sing it to my son Josh. It goes like this:
Have I not commanded you
Be strong and courageous
Do not be terrified
Do not be discouraged
For the Lord Your God will be with you
Wherever you go
Wherever you go
…I would continue this tradition, before books, videos and even prayers came to be a part of our routine. One night, probably around the time Steve and I agreed the rocker needed to go, Josh informed me that he was a big boy now and he didn’t need that baby song. So, it stopped. I accepted…eventually, that he was growing-up and he needed to tell me these things.
So you see, tonight when he asked me about Our Song, my excitement was there, but this song wasn’t meant for Josh tonight…I believe it was Gods message to me.
The post in its entirety can be found here.
This post is part of the Proverbs 31 Ministries Online Bible Study Blog Hop for week 1 of “Am I Messing Up My Kids?” For more details on how to join us, visit the Proverbs 31 Ministries website.